The Glenn Beck Report

Radio and TV multi-gazillionaire Glenn Beck could lose his sight if everything turns out just right. Or so he says. According to Beck, he paid a doctor “a thousand dollars to tell him something he already knows”. Well, he knows everything, so shouldn’t he just save his money?

Beck says he has some kind of oddball disease called macular dystrophy. His condition has not prevented his eyes from tearing up, however, as he openly wept about his plight before a throng of hundreds. He told God that if he “needed [his] eyes, he could have them.” Yeah, like fat chance God would a) need Beck’s eyes, and b) Beck would have any say in it. They have eye banks, doesn’t God know about those? Don’t these Mormons get it? Not everything is negotiable. Besides, it says in plain English right on the jar that you’re supposed to keep Vapo-Rub out of your friggin’ eyes.

The sheer irony of this is not lost on anyone. Beck has been operating with “special” eyesight for a long time now, being able to see what everyone else can’t. “Huh?”, we asked. He’s been telling us about these conspiracies, oh, the humanity, can’t you SEEE…. like some kind of demented, rabid animal. He sees things that nobody else would notice. For example, “socialist art” in the Rockefeller building.  God DAMN, we’re surrounded by socialism, everywhere!

There is no doubt in my mind that Beck’s condition is treatable, and even though he has a $32 MILLION dollar a year salary, he had the balls to make a comment about getting “good health care while he still can”. This was a cheap shot and an insult to 32 million Americans with no health insurance AT ALL who can’t get treatment unless they go to an emergency room. All right, Glenn, please read this while you can still see, since you say you’re “too lazy to learn braille”. STFU. You piece of human garbage, with your distaste for your fellow man, I hope you get treated by socialists who know what to do with people like you.

I read a story about this over at the San Francisco Chronicle this afternoon, and of course they get lots more hits there than we get at our little website. I would recommend you go over there and read the comments. Those folks in SF can come up with a few good ones, to be sure. Some samples…

“I’ll bet God meant to hit mute but just missed the button”
“I’d recommend that he stop masturbating and drinking wood alcohol immediately.”

It’s no laughing matter when somebody goes blind. Usually. But this SOB is the same person who has mocked the homeless, the downtrodden, the displaced, the unemployed, the disabled, the disfigured, and the disadvantaged. He’s the guy who said “… little Sally Muckenfutch who has a finger where her eye should be so she can’t pick her nose”.

You know what, Glenn? I HOPE you go blind. You need another life lesson, one that you apparently never got as a child, or while you were driving around in your DeLorean snorting coke off the steering wheel and laughing at all the heathens and homos on your radio show. Hell, you don’t NEED to GO blind, you already ARE blind.

Glenn Beck FAILS

Just when Glenn Beck thought it was safe to throw another frog into the boiling water, he got more bad ratings news. Some say that Glenn is so shaken by this that instead of barking he is actually going to run around the set with his arms flapping like gills screaming “I’m a guppie, I’m a guppie….”

On to the facts:

According to TVByTheNumbers, Beck’s show lost 25% of his total viewership in May and 23% in the demographic. This is despite his claims that he actually increased viewership in May.

The dispute about Beck’s ratings came up after it was reported (correctly) HERE that Beck had lost 1 million viewers in the last 9 months. So, whatever he had left just dropped by another 25%.

Who can say for sure why Glenn is flopping like a crappie? Is it his constant stream of lies? His growing insistence that there is a government conspiracy out to “get” him? His channeling of Cleon Skousen, infamous Mormon crackpot who never met a conspiracy theory that he didn’t invent and saw a commie behind every bush? Is it his cracked “history” lesson on “Founders Friday” which is more like Fractured Fairy Tales from Rocky and Bullwinkle? Is it his unholy alliance between the Mormon cult and Falwell’s Liberty University?

Who knows? But as Americans see Glenn Beck as more cracked and less relevant, I have to wonder if I’ll have to renew this domain name next September. By then, perhaps Rupert Murdoch will have figured out that Beck is dragging his already un-credible network into La-La-Land and that he can’t afford him… either the cracked ratings or the black hole of a money pit the show has become.

If Anthony Wiener’s attempt to regulate hawking gold on TV bears any fruit, Beck may well be completely out of sponsors. Then what?

Glenn is already known for his psychotic episodes on live television.  There is talk that a high percentage, even as much as 60% of his audience, tunes in because of the train wreck freak show.  It’s not because they like Glenn or agree with him, they want to see the man-baby melt down.

On Friday, May 7, Glenn didn’t disappoint.  He was hosting his “Founder Friday” show, where he “educates” an audience of handpicked, paid actors about topics that any school kid in America already knows about.  Except with Glenn, it’s like he just discovered it and it’s so moving, it’s so, it’s, it’s…. WAAAAAHHHH!

So Beck starts up about George Washington, whose greatness Glenn attempts to usurp and caricature as his OWN greatness by assumption.  The assumption is that Glenn is an authority to judge the relative merits of George Washington as a President by him having a TV show and having read a book (or claiming to have read it).   Glenn measures his own greatness by implying that he is actually informing you about the greatness of George Washington.  Sorry, Glenn, but you screwed the pooch on this one.  You don’t have the gray matter upstairs to interpret history.  Those of us who actually have studied history, particularly American history and government, already know that you are a whack job full of misinformation looking for a gullible, uninformed vidiot to dump it on.

Therefore Friday’s show was a perfect example of how Glenn can’t help from choking up when he’s telling you about his right wing Mormon fantasies concerning America.  If I were a director, at 3:27 of this short segment I’d be yelling “CUT. Where’s the motivation???”

Glenn breaks down in tears over the notion that as the American government was forming in post-Revolutionary America, people thought that Washington would be a natural for President as he had already proven himself to be a leader and had name recognition (mostly good).  WTF, Glenn.  What’s to cry about, man-baby?  Did you forget to take your Xanax again?

Watch and enjoy…

OMIGOD.  Again, at 7:10, Glenn can’t stand the idea of Washington having to put on glasses to read a letter.  Holy Mormon juice, Glenn, if you’re going to cry about that, why don’t you ever cry about the millions of Americans who can’t even get glasses when they need them because they don’t have insurance that pays for vision?  (I’m wearing a prescription that is at least 8 years old and sometimes my eyes water but it ain’t because I watch Glenn Beck and need a good cry.)

IN OTHER NEWS….

Glenn told Don Imus that Mother’s Day is a “progressive scam”.  He doesn’t know what they are trying to get us to do, but he’s not doing it.  Well, of course you can’t do it, Glenn, because your mother committed suicide so she wouldn’t have to look at your fat face again. That was years after your father ran out claiming it HAD to be somebody else’s sperm.

For those of you who don’t know the history of Mother’s Day, (like Glenn Beck who claims in this very conversation to have researched it himself) here’s a link that explains the origins of Mother’s Day . Hint: It’s NOT a progressive plot and it’s not a conspiracy from the greeting card companies. Naturally, being a Mormon, Glenn would never think of a day honoring women, which to him are not persons but property that ought to STFU and spit babies out of their vaginas like a Tommy gun.

In the same conversation Glenn suggests that Obama may have blown up the BP oil rig.  The crazy train chugs along….

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher (be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time
~~ George Michaels

Ahh, the Good Old Days. The days when families were close knit, where Mom stayed home and baked a pie to serve with the pot roast when Dad got home from the office. The fresh smell of autumn air and the crunch of leaves under your feet as you walked home from school on a Friday daydreaming about the sock hop. Go back to when things were black and white, including photography and television. Back when you never saw a black person on TV except the pick-a-ninnies in the cartoons and maybe Sammy Davis Junior, who got on because he was also Jewish. Back to simpler times.

Relive our lovingly retouched memories through Glenn Beck, as he rummages through the windmills in the corner of his mind. Oh, Glenn’s memories! Oh, wait, that’s right, Glenn was born in 1964 so he wouldn’t actually remember any of that stuff because by the time he was 10 years old Woodstock was 5, civil rights was 10, the American cultural revolution was well underway and his Mom wouldn’t have made an apple pie for 5 years, although she might have burned her bra, got a business degree, and gone to work.

But never mind. Glenn wants to create an image in your mind of a world that he’s never seen so he can set up his crazy proposition that he’s the Dad (that he never had) who’s telling you what you need to hear so you can fix your life. Watch….

Oh, he hates to do it, to tell you the party is over, he hates it so much it makes him weep with regret as he chokes out the words. But he has to do it, because the politicians are only going to take you further away from that dreamy world of the past, WHICH WASN’T PERFECT, MIND YOU, but it was a darn sight better than today.
Glenn Beck’s sanitized view of America in one word: authoritarian. He wants to not only tell you what’s wrong with America, he wants to demand that you follow his instructions on how to fix it.

OK, Glenn. Given your age, fractured childhood and your years of heavy drug and alcohol abuse, the only way you could have gotten that rosy view of the past was by watching Leave It To Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet reruns on TBS. Since you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about, why should we let YOU be the Father Figure George Michaels sang about? I’m not inclined to let you or anyone like you turn the clock back, even if you could.

I was there, Glenn, and it wasn’t that great. We lived in constant fear that a madman might push the button and end it for all of us. Hundreds of thousands of WWII vets drank their way through “shell shock” because PTSD wasn’t discovered yet. We fought a largely forgotten war with China on the Korean peninsula. Women and minorities struggled for the same rights as white men had.

I don’t want to go back, Glenn, but if there was a way I could send you back, I would surely do it.

It’s Not Really About America or Socialists After All

In a somewhat less-than-shocking expose of Man-Baby Glenn Beck’s phony crying bit, it turns out that it’s less about loving America and more about Vicks Vapo-Rub.

At the beginning of this photo shoot, which was inexplicably done to capture portraits of Glenn Beck weeping (WTF?) photographer Jill Greenberg walks into the picture and applies Vapo-Rub under both of Glenn Beck’s eyes to make them water.

Glenn then apes for the camera, striking poses to depict a wide palette of waterworks-producing emotions from sorrow through anger and tears of joy to cursing God (how’s that Mormon thing working for ya, Glenn?) The God-smacking Beck pose can be seen at 2:22 in the video.

I realize that since I started this website a couple of weeks ago, the garbage is piling up. I think I may have been mistaken; he’s not anything that needs to be debunked, he’s a mindless buffoon who does nothing but fool a few other buffoons and occasionally provoke an indignant response from anyone who can think.