The Glenn Beck Report

In a landmark decision today, Judge Vaughn Walker decided to uphold Proposition 8, a 2008 measure passed in California banning same-sex marriage. Proposition 8, passed by an unusually large margin of 52%, has been long understood to be widely supported by the country at large and California in particular.

“We couldn’t be happier,” says an official statement obtained from the National Organization for Marriage. “We’ve always done our best to impose our religious doctrine on the nation, and this is a victorious day for us and our homophobic message.” A later statement obtained from the same source is quoted as “wait, did we really say that?”

Many happy supporters of the ruling are also targeting United States President Barack Obama. Various interviewees said that they wouldn’t have won at all if it wasn’t for the Obama administration infringing on their right to lose once in a while. Some dedicated readers may recall a similar 2006 ruling when many supporters thanked then-president George Bush for no apparent reason.

An official spokesperson from the group Campaign from California Families had this to say:

This is a monumental decision for our group, our nation, and our message. Proposition 8 has never been about hatred, homophobia, or religion. From the beginning, our entire campaign has stemmed from nothing but a simple denial of facts. By denying scientific and observable fact, a person may find God, they can expand their mind, and they can pass landmark laws such as these. And this, my friends, is a great day for denial of fact.

“We weren’t involved at all,” said a spokesman for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. “Many people have the idea that we donated to the law, or even passed it illegally, more or less single-handed. Well that’s a lie. That’s the biggest lie since the idea that we’ve ever been polygamists.”

Judge Walker, in a 138-page statement, explained his decision. “…I don’t care if the constitution is against it…as a judge, my job is just to tell the voters that they were right.” The statement goes on to say that “…honestly, I don’t even care if there were special circumstances. So maybe there were some illegal donations here and there, maybe some false advertising…maybe some voters were misinformed about what they were voting on. I don’t care. As a person whose job it is to judge things on their legality, it is my job to just put my name on whatever the voters said…I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this.”

Video obtained by Glennbeckreport.com shows elated supporters all over the country. However, many supporters have never taken part in real politics in their lives, and thus were not able to find their way to their respective city halls. Many YouTube videos can be found, however, of supporters using key tag phrases such as “I hate fags,” “I want to lynch people who disagree with me,” and “have some morals.”

Dissenters to the decision are apparently used to these kinds of rulings. “We’re no strangers to being discriminated against,” says Jason Molina, who has been engaged in a monogamous homosexual relationship for over 15 years. “I mean, love thy neighbor, establishment clause, basic human respect. People just don’t care about these things anymore. Seriously, why do we even…have a constitution if all we’re going to do is going to let misinformed people walk all over it? The entire thing is garbage anyway, the way that people are saying that homosexual couples are uncommitted and unloving. It’s not like any of those people manage to quote statistics for straight couples.”

“That thar queerosexual is just a sore loser,” said Billy-Bob Hanson, Molina’s confederate neighbor.

More on this story as it develops.

Writer/reporter Quinlan Ryan is an expert on LGBT and other topics. You can reach him at qu1n1an@glennbeckreport.com