The Glenn Beck Report

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher (be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time
~~ George Michaels

Ahh, the Good Old Days. The days when families were close knit, where Mom stayed home and baked a pie to serve with the pot roast when Dad got home from the office. The fresh smell of autumn air and the crunch of leaves under your feet as you walked home from school on a Friday daydreaming about the sock hop. Go back to when things were black and white, including photography and television. Back when you never saw a black person on TV except the pick-a-ninnies in the cartoons and maybe Sammy Davis Junior, who got on because he was also Jewish. Back to simpler times.

Relive our lovingly retouched memories through Glenn Beck, as he rummages through the windmills in the corner of his mind. Oh, Glenn’s memories! Oh, wait, that’s right, Glenn was born in 1964 so he wouldn’t actually remember any of that stuff because by the time he was 10 years old Woodstock was 5, civil rights was 10, the American cultural revolution was well underway and his Mom wouldn’t have made an apple pie for 5 years, although she might have burned her bra, got a business degree, and gone to work.

But never mind. Glenn wants to create an image in your mind of a world that he’s never seen so he can set up his crazy proposition that he’s the Dad (that he never had) who’s telling you what you need to hear so you can fix your life. Watch….

Oh, he hates to do it, to tell you the party is over, he hates it so much it makes him weep with regret as he chokes out the words. But he has to do it, because the politicians are only going to take you further away from that dreamy world of the past, WHICH WASN’T PERFECT, MIND YOU, but it was a darn sight better than today.
Glenn Beck’s sanitized view of America in one word: authoritarian. He wants to not only tell you what’s wrong with America, he wants to demand that you follow his instructions on how to fix it.

OK, Glenn. Given your age, fractured childhood and your years of heavy drug and alcohol abuse, the only way you could have gotten that rosy view of the past was by watching Leave It To Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet reruns on TBS. Since you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about, why should we let YOU be the Father Figure George Michaels sang about? I’m not inclined to let you or anyone like you turn the clock back, even if you could.

I was there, Glenn, and it wasn’t that great. We lived in constant fear that a madman might push the button and end it for all of us. Hundreds of thousands of WWII vets drank their way through “shell shock” because PTSD wasn’t discovered yet. We fought a largely forgotten war with China on the Korean peninsula. Women and minorities struggled for the same rights as white men had.

I don’t want to go back, Glenn, but if there was a way I could send you back, I would surely do it.